Underwater
by TJ-TeeJay
Summary: Alternative ending to the episode 2x21 Common Thread. Focused mainly on Joan and Adam with lots of angsty and dramatic stuff. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Underwater**

_by TeeJay_

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First of all, you can read the full story as one big HTML file (incl. cover picture) here if you, like me, prefer to read a story as a whole and not in different chapters: www.wormhole.de/fanfic/underwater.htm

Summary:  
Alternative ending to the episode 2x21 "Common Thread". Focused mainly on Joan and Adam with lots of angsty and dramatic stuff.

Spoiler warning:  
!Heavy spoilers for late season two, especially the episode "Common Thread" (2x21)!

Author's note:  
Another post-"Trial And Error" (episode 2x19) piece very heavy on the Adam/Joan relationship. Or non-relationship as it were. Actually, this is an alternative storyline/ending to the episode "Common Thread" (2x21) which branches off from the actual episode around the point just before Adam is being rescued by Ryan Hunter. I wasn't happy with the actual episode ending or the introduction of the Ryan Hunter character, so I wrote something different, something that is much more dramatic and heart-wrenching (I think). Lots of Joan/Adam angst, so be warned! If you have seen the episode "Common Thread", you will realize that I took parts of it and kept them, and that I used bits and pieces and incorporated them into my scenarios and conversations, even though they are different from the episode.

I don't think this story will make much sense if you don't know what happened between Adam and Joan in episode 2x19 "Trial And Error" and maybe also in 2x20 "Spring Cleaning". If you want to enjoy my story, I suggest you either watch these episodes first or read up on them if you get the chance to. Not that I'm saying you can't read the story without knowing these episodes... I'm just saying it might be confusing. Don't say I didn't warn you:o)

And, as you might have guessed, this story focuses mainly on Joan and Adam, so don't expect too much Grace/Luke/Kevin/Helen/Will/Friedman/Glynis/God stuff. They are in this story, of course, but not playing major parts. Hope you like it anyway. Reviews welcome, as always; flaming not so much.

Personal note:  
I'm German and English is not my native language (although I would like to think I'm fluent). So please excuse any expressions that might sound a bit off. And please also excuse orthographic or grammatical flaws, nobody is perfect, not even the Word spell-checker. ;o) I know you should have someone beta-read your work before you post it, but I don't know anyone else who likes JoA and I was just too eager to post this! If there's anyone with suggestions for corrections or improvement, let me know.

Disclaimer:  
These characters and settings are not mine (except maybe those that weren't in any JoA episode). Nor am I claiming they are. They are property of CBS, Barbara Hall Productions, Sony or whoever else they might belong to. I'm not making any money out of this, although I wish I was.

The song "Underwater" is also not mine, it's property of Vertical Horizon, RCA Records or whoever had anything to do with the creation, distribution and marketing of this song and the album it's on (called "Go", in case you're wondering). You guys rock, so I hope you don't mind me using your song. It just fit perfectly for what I was meaning to say and it was fun to work it in.

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_**Vertical Horizon  
Underwater**_

You and I are here  
Underwater  
Seconds are so dear  
Underwater  
I'm searching for a light  
To draw me closer  
I hold my breath in tight  
Bring me closer  
I feel your touch  
Will you pull me up again?

It's not so bad down here  
Underwater  
Once you get past the fear  
Underwater  
Sense you through the haze  
Just like a memory  
I've been down here for days  
Have you seen me?  
I feel your touch  
Will you pull me up again?

It's all the same to me  
Underwater  
There's nothing much to see  
Underwater  
I cannot make a sound  
But I can listen  
I can't tell up from down  
And now I'm listenin'  
I feel your touch  
Will you pull me up again?

You're just in sight  
Will you save my life again?

You and I are here  
Underwater

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Joan was standing at one of the shelves in the bookstore she was working at after school, sorting books and arranging them in the right order. The bell above the door tinkled and when Joan looked up, she saw Adam walking into the store. He came over to the opposite side of the bookshelf she was standing at. He folded his arms on the top of the shelf, looking at Joan over it.

In an bit of an aggressive tone, Joan told him, "If you're looking for Grace, she's at her house."

Looking Joan in the eyes, he replied in a quiet tone, "I'm not looking for Grace."

Joan sensed that something was wrong and asked him, "You okay?"

Adam shook his head, "Michael fired me."

"What?" Joan walked around the shelf towards Adam.

Adam turned around to face Joan, rubbing the top of his woolen black and grey hat. "He said my work has been sloppy for the last month, and, uh, I've been coming late. And what's really sad is that he's right. I mean, with everything that's been going on..." While he was talking, Adam avoided looking straight at Joan.

"Oh," Joan stated, looking Adam in the eyes. In an accusing tone she said, "So now _I'm_ involved in this?"

"I just ... I just meant..." Adam stammered.

Joan interrupted bitterly, "I know what you meant, okay? But I can't stand here and listen to you talk about how you're so wrapped up cheating on me that you screwed up your job."

Adam looked down, ashamed, but Joan continued, "It's not my problem, not anymore." With that, she turned around and went to the counter, leaving Adam standing by the bookshelf.

Still staring at the floor at his feet, Adam said sadly, "I thought we were gonna be friends."

From behind the counter, Joan said, "I know how you'd like things to be. But life can never be exactly what you expect, okay?"

Glancing up with a sad look in his eyes, Adam said, "Fine," and left the bookshop, the bell on the door tinkling again as the door opened and closed behind him. Joan watched him cross the street through the window, feeling immediately sorry for her harsh words.

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	2. Chapter 2

It was half past two in the night. Almost four hours after Grace had come to the Girardi's house, telling them that Adam had not come back from his hiking trip in the morning at Mount Nashman. Grace and Joan had immediately driven to the hiking trail with Mr. Girardi, Adam's dad and a small group of police officers. They had found and searched Adam's truck parked near the beginning of the trail, but it was empty. "No suicide note," the Ranger had stated matter-of-factly. Police officers and Rangers had started looking in the woods around the truck, but the pouring rain had been washing away some of the trail and was making it hard to make progress or climb higher up the mountain.

Joan had been standing at the starting point of the trail, screaming Adam's name at the top of her lungs, but there had been no answer. In the end, they had had no choice but to drive back to the Ranger's Station at the bottom of the mountain and wait. Grace and Joan were now sitting in the Ranger's Station, blankets over their shoulders. Joan was working on knitting that scarf that God had told her to finish.

She had told Grace about her clash with Adam in the bookshop earlier. Now, out of nowhere, she said to Grace, "The sick thing is, I wanted to hurt him. You know, when I cut him off, he had this expression on his face, like he was gonna crumble or something. For a second, it felt good."

Grace was staring at nothing in particular. "I've seen him like that. After his mom died. Totally shut down, stopped talking. I don't think I heard more than ten words out of him," Grace glanced at Joan, "Until you came along."

Joan looked at Grace, and just then thunder and lightning struck in the background. "Why did he have to hook up with Bonnie?"

"Dude, it's ... it's not just him."

Accusing, Joan looked at Grace, "So if I had slept with him, then he wouldn't be out there right now."

"It's not about sex. It's ... sometimes you're not the easiest person to connect with."

Frowning, Joan asked, "What do you mean?"

"All I'm saying is, what Rove did, it was low, yeah, but ... maybe he didn't know where he stood."

"I loved him. I mean, I still love him. He knows that."

"Yeah, it's..." Grace sighed. "It's like, you always have something that you're keeping to yourself. Something you're hiding."

At that moment, the lights flickered and went out, thunder rolling in the background. Grace looked up at the ceiling and the dead lights. "Great!"

Quietly, Joan asked, "What do you think I'm hiding?"

"All the insane things you do, the clubs you have to join, you never really let anyone in on all that. Not really. You just wanna stick all alone with it."

"I ... like to try stuff."

Looking at the scarf that Joan was still working on, Grace asked, "Like knitting? What's that all about?"

Defensively Joan said, "Somebody suggested it. What difference--" Just at that moment the lights went back on. "What difference does it make?"

Grace looked Joan in the eyes. "People keep secrets, Girardi. I've been there. It keeps people away."

Joan sighed, not wanting to go there right now. "Hey, I guess it's too stuffy in here." She packed her knitting gear, grabbed her jacket and went outside to catch some air.

She reluctantly sat down in front of the Ranger's Station in a chair on the roofed porch, arranging her the scarf and the needles to go on knitting. She heard the noise of a slamming car door and saw the Ranger walking up to her. She frowned at him, confused.

The Ranger asked her almost innocently, "How's the knitting going, Joan?"

Joan stared at him incredulously, looking at the wool and the scarf in her lap. Angrily, she said, "So, God cares more about knitting than Adam. I don't think we have much to talk about."

"You're angry." He nodded. "I understand."

Joan sighed, then spat at him, "You know, it's your fault all of this happened. This secret life we've been having has totally messed up everything."

Ranger-God now shook his head. "You can share me with whoever you want."

"Oh yeah. Yeah. And wind up back in the funny farm," she said sarcastically. She pulled the knitting needles from the scarf and tore hastily at the thread to unravel it.

God pointed at it. "Oh, no no no no no. You shouldn't tear all that up. That was good."

Joan threw the scarf forcefully to the floor. "You know what, it's just a stupid scarf!" She got up from the chair and paced the porch. She stopped next to the window, folding her arms.

Ranger-God told her, "Unraveling it is not gonna make it disappear. You just change its form."

Joan now turned to look at Ranger-God, raising her voice, "Am I ever gonna see him again? I don't mean in another form! I mean here, now?" She was almost crying.

Ranger-God replied with that oh-so calm and wise voice, "You feel how painful it is to sever a connection. A link that can never really be broken. All of creation shares a common thread, like your scarf. How you use that thread becomes the pattern of your life."

Joan's eyes filled with tears. "So, what's happening now, is it because I knitted my life wrong?"

Ranger-God gave her a you're-not-serious look, but Joan continued, almost shouting, "I believe in you. I've seen the ripples, I've seen how it changes people's lives. Even when I didn't see it, I trusted you!"

Ranger-God calmly answered, "And you've developed strength, and understanding, and faith. New challenges are gonna make you even stronger."

Joan shook her head in disbelief. "For what? Huh, for what!" She wiped the tears from her cheek. "How much stronger do I have to be?"

"You'll find out, Joan. Just don't throw away that scarf."

"Yeah, the damn scarf!" Joan spat at Ranger-God. She picked it up from the floor angrily and went back inside, slamming the door behind her.

Sitting back down in the armchair opposite Grace, Grace studied her face. "Dude, what happened?"

Joan lifted her hands in a just-leave-it gesture. "Just back up, okay?" She said in a more aggressive tone than she had intended.

Grace shrugged defensively and didn't say anything else.

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	3. Chapter 3

Joan awoke from someone nudging her shoulder. She was curled up in the old armchair in the Ranger's Station, a blanket covering her. She must have nodded off. She saw her father's eyes looking down on her that were filled with concern. If for her or for Adam, she couldn't discern.

"Joan, honey, we should go home. There's nothing more we can do from here right now. We'll send search parties into the woods as soon as first light comes up. We'll find him."

Joan, too tired and weary to contradict, let herself and Grace be guided to her dad's police car.

--...---...----...--

They had dropped Grace off at home, where her father awaited her. At the Girardi home, Helen welcomed them silently with mugs of hot, steaming herbal tea. Joan showered and changed into dry clothes and went back into the living room. There was no way she would sleep tonight. She sat down next to her mother on the couch. Will had gone out again to help organizing the search party to go out first thing at dawn.

Her mother had a quiet look of worry on her face. More to reassure herself than Joan, she said, "Don't worry, honey, they'll find him. He'll be all right."

Joan looked at her mother, almost angry. "But what if he's not! What then?" Her eyes watered, but no tears fell. "Mom, we had a fight earlier today. The last thing I said to him was that when he told me he thought we could be friends, I knew he did but that life didn't always work out the way you wanted it to. What if that was the last thing I would ever say to him?"

"Don't even think that, honey. He just got lost in the dark and the rain and the search party will find him alive and well in the morning. You'll see."

Joan nodded and lay down with her head next to her mother's lap. Helen gently stroked her daughter's hair, trying to comfort her. There was nothing more to say right now, so they just stayed like that in silent worry.

--...---...----...--

Joan had fallen asleep on the couch eventually. Helen had covered her with a blanket and left the couch to sit at the kitchen table, cradling another mug of tea with both hands. Kevin came rolling into the kitchen as quietly as possible when he saw Joan lying asleep on the sofa. He positioned his wheelchair next to his mother.

Rubbing his eyes, he murmured, "Couldn't sleep. Anything?"

Helen shook her head tiredly. She got up, went to the kitchen counter and, back at the table, silently handed Kevin a mug with tea. He took it and sipped at it carefully. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No, I don't think so. Will is organizing a search party, they're going to look for him as soon as it's light outside."

He nodded his head at the direction of the couch. "How is Joan?"

"Messed up, I guess. Scared. She finally fell asleep half an hour ago."

Kevin stared at the contents of his mug as if there was something fascinating about it. "How could he be so stupid?"

Helen sighed. "Maybe he doesn't care. That's what I'm worried about." She rubbed her face with her hands and then put her palms flat on the table. "I just wish this nightmare would end. I don't think this family can take another tragedy."

Kevin placed his hand over his mother's to comfort her. "We won't have to. He's gonna be fine."

Helen sighed again, "Yeah, I keep telling myself that, but I have a hard time really believing it."

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Shortly after half past seven in the morning, the phone rang. Both Joan and Helen jolted to wakefulness in a split second. Helen was the first to reach it. She listened intently for a few seconds that seemed to Joan like an eternity. She tried reading her mother's face, but couldn't really make sense of what she was seeing. She heard her mother say, "We'll be there in ten minutes."

Helen put down the receiver and turned to Joan. "They found him, but he's in pretty bad shape from the way it looks. They're taking him to the hospital right now."

Joan didn't know if she should be glad or devastated. Finding him was a good thing, right? But what did 'in pretty bad shape' mean? She grabbed her coat and followed her mother to the car.

On the way to the hospital, Helen told Joan what her husband had told her. That Adam had apparently slipped and fallen down a slope. He was unconscious but alive. Upon arrival at the hospital, they were told to wait in the waiting area of the emergency room. Will and Mr. Rove, who had arrived just a few minutes prior to Helen and Joan, awaited them.

Will told them, "I don't know much, just that he has lots of scrapes and bruises, a broken wrist and that he was hypothermic. He was unconscious when we found him. The doctors said they can't say anything for sure before they've run some tests. It might take a while." They all sat down in the plastic chairs and waited.

Twenty minutes later, Grace and Luke came storming through the door. Luke had bloodshot eyes and looked tired. Grace's hair was frayed in places and stringy in others, she didn't look less of a mess than Luke. Helen and Will looked at Luke questioningly, wondering quietly what he and Friedman had been up to when he had stayed at Friedman's place overnight, but didn't say anything.

Joan quickly filled Grace and Luke in on the little they knew. The both of them joined the group in the plastic chairs. Waiting became tense and tiring, the minutes seemed endless. No one felt like making conversation. Grace was leaning her head on Luke's shoulder, a rare sign of Grace showing weakness and need for support. Luke had put his arm around her to comfort her as best as he could. Joan was sitting in the chair, her face in her hands, her elbows resting on her knees. Helen was simply sitting in her chair, Will had left the waiting room a few minutes before.

Mr. Rove had intermittently gotten up, pacing the room nervously. Joan didn't want to think about what he had to be going through. First he had lost his wife, and now he was in danger of losing his only child. Will came back in and handed him and Helen a paper cup with stale coffee that he had gotten from some machine in the hallway. Mr. Rove sat down again and sipped absentmindedly at the brew, throwing the empty cup into a wastepaper basket when he was done.

Just at that moment, the door to the emergency ward opened and a male doctor clad in green scrubs came out. Everyone got to their feet and surrounded him. Dr. Fitzgerald, as the name tag read, looking at Mr. Rove, he said, "Your son is stable for now. He's got cuts and bruises, mostly superficial. His right wrist is broken, but the main problem was the hypothermia. Due to prolonged exposure to the cold and rain, he's fallen into a coma. We are warming up his body right now and we will put a cast on his wrist."

Dr. Fitzgerald paused to look at the rest of the group and continued when he saw their worried and shocked faces. In as reassuring as possible a voice he went on, "There is a very good chance that he will regain consciousness, but there is no telling how long that will take."

Joan asked, "Can we see him?"

Dr. Fitzgerald looked at Mr. Rove and replied, "We're sorry, but only family members are allowed right now." Then looking at Joan in particular, he said, "I would suggest you come back tomorrow."

Joan's face fell, she had to fight tears from forming in her eyes. Luke, as spaced out as he still was from his marijuana experiments with Friedman the night before, sensed that Joan was close to breaking down, so he put his arms around her shoulder and guided her back to the plastic chairs where she sat down with her head bowed.

Joan heard someone say her name. Mr. Rove was standing in front of her. "Joan, I know how much Adam means to you. I will give you a call the moment there is any news."

Joan looked up at him, it took a few seconds for the information to sink in. In a little more above a whisper she said, "Yeah. Okay. Thanks."

Helen softly took Joan's arm and guided her out of the emergency room, her family and Grace in tow. They all went back to their house where Helen fixed them all breakfast. No one was hungry, but Helen insisted that they all eat something. Helen gave Kevin a call to fill him in, he had gone to work at the newspaper after Helen and Joan had driven to the hospital. Then she called the school to let them know since she wasn't sure anyone had informed them yet. With Adam being taken care of in the hospital, it was all they could do to try and go on as normally as they could.

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	4. Chapter 4

The day kept dragging on and on. Joan wouldn't have gone to school, even if her parents had wanted her to. She had gone to her room and had ended up looking at the box with all the stuff that Adam had given back to her after she had handed it to Adam when she had been mad at him after their break-up. She had both cried and smiled at the various gifts from Adam, his miniature sculptures out of what others would consider junk, the drawings and sketches he had made for her, the little gifts he had given her. Every now and then a family member would poke his or her head in, seeing if she was okay or asking if she needed anything. She had somehow gotten through the day, her thoughts always with Adam.

Mr. Rove had called in the afternoon, telling them that there was no change. Adam was still unconscious, but his condition had been stable, if not slightly improved. Everyone felt it was good news, under the circumstances.

In the night, Joan had slept fitfully, waking up every few hours with images of a broken, blood-covered and dirt-smeared Adam lying at the bottom of a slope lingering in her mind. She kept telling herself that if there had been any turn for the worse, Mr. Rove would have called them. She finally got up at half past six after having lain awake for the past one and a half hours.

When she got down to the kitchen, her mom was also up, sipping on a mug of coffee and eating jam on toast. She handed Joan a piece of toast, which Joan ate without thinking about what she was doing. She poured herself a glass of milk from the fridge. Before she could even ask the question, her mom interjected, "I'll take you to the hospital if you want."

--...---...----...--

In the hospital, they were met by Mr. Rove, who told them that Adam's body temperature was back to normal and things looked promising. They had taken him off the ventilator early in the morning, Adam was now breathing on his own.

Joan had to put on a sterile gown over her clothes and a green cap to cover her hair when she entered the ICU. She was guided to Adam's room and his bed by a nurse. There were lots of machines surrounding Adam's bed, a heart monitor that gave off regular beeps and showed a zigzag curve on a screen along with the beeps. Bags with fluids hung at the top of the bed, drugs and saline being fed into Adam's veins. His right arm was in a white cast that reached up to underneath his elbow. Red and blue bruises covered his face and he looked so pale and lost, lying unmoving in the hospital bed. Joan went to stand next to him on the right side of the bed.

She looked questioningly at the nurse. "Can I touch him?"

The nurse looked at her and said in a comforting voice, "Sure you can. Talk to him if you want, he might hear you." With that, she quickly checked one of Adam's IVs, scribbled something on his chart and left the room.

Joan was still standing next to Adam, staring at him. Afraid to touch his face that looked so fragile, she reached out tentatively and held his left hand, the one without the cast. Feeling a bit foolish to speak to her lifeless seeming friend, she overcame her embarrassment and did so nevertheless. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm gonna talk to you anyway." Not knowing how to carry on, she stuttered, "I ... You ... Adam, please wake up, I need you to be with me." She waited a few seconds in silence, as if hoping Adam would answer her calling, but he did not move.

She squeezed his hand a little, which was feeling limp in hers. "How could you be so stupid? Going hiking in the mountains on your own in the pouring rain? You really scared me. All of us. They say it looked like an accident, but was it? Why, Adam?" Her eyes were filling with tears again that flowed down her cheeks and dropped onto the white bed linen, making a faint plopping noise as they hit the starched cloth. "Adam, I need you to wake up, I can't lose another friend, not now, not again."

But the only answer she got was the regular beeping of the heart monitor. She heard the nurse softly rapping on the glass observation window to Adam's room, signaling that it was time she left Adam to get his rest. She gently stroked his hair and whispered, "I'll be back, hang in there," before she left the room.

Outside the ICU, Helen and Mr. Rove waited for her. Mr. Rove again reassured her that he would call if there was anything to report, good or bad, before Helen drove Joan home. Joan was late for school because of the trip to hospital, but she didn't care, Adam was more important now.

--...---...----...--

"That's good news, right?" Grace asked in a whisper.

Joan had just entered the classroom and sat down next to Grace at her desk, classes had already started. Joan had scribbled a quick note for Grace, telling her that she had seen Adam and how he was doing.

Joan was now whispering back, "Yeah, I guess it--"

They suddenly heard a sharp voice. "Miss Girardi, would you mind enlightening us what's so fascinating to tell Miss Polk that it can't wait until class is over?" Mr. Bunman, their maths teacher, did not sound particularly forgiving, but Joan figured she had nothing to lose, so she said with confidence, "I was just telling Grace how Adam was doing."

Clearly, everyone in the classroom must have heard about Adam's accident by now, because almost all her co-students now looked at her, most of them with curious or concerned looks. They, too, wanted to know how their co-student was doing. Even Mr. Bunman realized there was need for information, so he said, "So, how _is_ Mr. Rove doing?"

Joan told them what had happened and what she had heard and seen at the hospital. Some of her co-students looked shocked, others sad, others indifferent. Murmurs grew louder among the students, so Mr. Bunman cut in, "Thank you, Miss Girardi, for the heads up, but now that we know that Mr. Rove is in good hands, can we please go back to concentrate on curve sketching..."

--...---...----...--


	5. Chapter 5

After school, Joan had gone to the hospital again, this time with Grace and Luke in tow. When they came to the ICU, they were told at the information desk that Adam had been transferred from the ICU to the regular ward, another good sign, they took it. When they got up to the ward and entered Adam's room, Mr. Rove was sitting in a chair next to Adam's hospital bed. His arms were lying on Adam's bed, his head resting on his arms. He had fallen asleep.

Joan went up to him and carefully touched his shoulder. "Mr. Rove?"

He started at Joan's touch but relaxed when he recognized Joan. He looked at Adam, who was still lying motionless, then mumbled sleepily. "I must have dozed off."

Joan told him, "Why don't you go home and get some rest. We'll stay with Adam for a while."

With a look of concern on his face, he asked, "Are you sure?"

Joan nodded. "Yes, we'll stay until you come back if you want. I can give you a call later."

Mr. Rove said, "Thank you," and shook Joan's hand gratefully before leaving the hospital room. Adam was in a two-bed room, but the other bed occupying the space closest to the window was empty. Joan could see that some of the heavy medical machinery from the ICU was not present here, but there was still a small but thankfully silent heart rate monitor next to his bed, as well as an IV stand with two IV bags feeding into Adam's arms.

Joan realized that Grace and Luke were standing at the foot of Adam's bed, looking at him with an expression that was a mixture of caution and intimidation. They both were probably as shocked as Joan when she had first seen Adam the ICU in the morning, looking so vulnerable and helpless.

Joan looked around the room and gestured at the two chairs standing around the small table in the corner, signaling for Grace and Luke to get them and move them next to Adam's bed. Joan sat down in the chair Mr. Rove had previously occupied, Grace and Luke sat down next to each other on the opposite side of Adam's bed.

Joan was the first to speak. Looking at Adam, she said, "Hey Adam, I'm back. Grace and Luke are here too."

Joan paused, hearing Grace say, "Hi Adam," and Luke simply adding, "Hey." Silence ensued, Grace and Luke were just staring at Adam. After a few uncomfortably quiet seconds, Grace intercepted, "Dude, this is seriously weird. What do we talk about?"

Joan felt a little insecure how to behave herself, but had decided not to let that keep her from acting as normally around Adam as possible. "I don't know. Every day stuff, I guess."

"Okay," Grace answered, but then stopped.

Joan looked at Luke and went on, "I know it's strange, I remember feeling the same way when we visited Kevin in the hospital before he woke up. Just pretend that he can hear and understand everything but can't answer, that makes it a little easier."

Joan could see that Luke was not feeling at ease but at Joan's words he remembered the time in the hospital with Kevin, so he tried to overcome any feeling of weirdness, looked at Adam and said, "Okay, so obviously you didn't miss much at school today. No, wait, Miss Lischak did another classic today. She got so wrapped up in her little world of physics equations, that she hit the wet blackboard sponge with her pointing stick and was covered all over with white chalk specks. Man, that was hilarious!"

Both Joan and Grace smiled at the image and Joan added, "Yeah, that was so cool. The look on her face afterwards was priceless. Oh, and Friedman and Glynis say hi, as well as my mom and dad and Kevin."

The trio went on talking about school stuff, complaining about the homework and Joan suggesting that they could maybe do some of the physics studying in Adam's room, just so it would feel like their study group was complete and Adam didn't miss anything.

After about an hour, Luke and Grace got up to go home. Joan told them she wanted to stay a while longer, so after Luke and Grace had left, she was alone with Adam. She took his hand again, somehow she had not wanted to do that with Grace and Luke present. It felt just as limp as this morning, but warm to the touch. They had clipped a pulse oximeter to his index finger to monitor his heart rate and blood oxygen saturation. Maybe it was just in Joan's imagination, but she thought that a bit of color had returned to Adam's face.

She spoke him again, "Hey, you're looking better than this morning. I don't know if you can hear me, but maybe you can. You know, when Kevin was in the hospital after his accident, I always talked to him too. Come to think of it, I never asked him if he remembered any of it."

She opened her shoulder bag and took out a thick hardcover book. "I know you can't read it yourself right now, so I will read it to you. It's 'The Neverending Story'. I've never read it, but I remember you talking about it, so now we can read it together. I got you the illustrated version, so I hope you like it."

Joan opened the book and turned the pages to go to the first chapter, which was oddly printed in dark red. She shifted to a more comfortable position in her chair and started reading aloud, being captured by the story almost immediately.

After she had finished the first chapter, she looked at her watch. She wasn't sure Luke had gone straight home, so she should give her mom a call, or maybe head back home. She dog-eared the page she had stopped at and placed the book on the white, sterile looking bedside table next to Adam's bed; maybe someone else would like to continue reading it to Adam. She said goodbye to Adam and left the hospital. On her way to the bus stop, she called Mr. Rove on her cell phone, as she had promised.

--...---...----...--


	6. Chapter 6

Nights were worse than the days. During the day, Joan could keep up the pretense that she was strong and that Adam would be fine and that everything was going to turn out all right. But at night the doubts, the fears, the uncertainty, the helplessness, it all kept creeping back in, threatening to overwhelm her. Often she would wake up from nightmares, not all of which were revolving around Adam, but Adam played a role in most of them in one way or another.

This was yet another night where she had woken from a bad dream. Although she couldn't remember what it had been about, the fresh sweat on her body and her pounding heart told her that it couldn't have been good. She put on her dressing gown and went downstairs.

In the kitchen, she got a glass of orange juice and stood at the kitchen counter. The house was so quiet at night, every noise sounded enhanced, every little squeak of a floorboard was audible. She went over to the couch, but hit the couch table with her leg by accident. It made a scraping sound on the floor and Joan couldn't help but yelp an "Ouch!", rubbing the spot on her shin where she had bumped against the table. She listened for a few seconds to see if she had woken anyone. Everything stayed quiet for the moment.

She plopped down on the couch and saw her knitting gear and her scarf lying in one corner. She picked it up and continued knitting absentmindedly. She sat knitting for a few minutes in silence when she heard a familiar mechanical sound from across the room. When she looked up, she saw Kevin entering in his wheelchair, wearing pyjamas.

"Kev. What are you doing up?"

He looked at her with mock hurt. "What, I can't come and see why my favorite sister is making such a commotion in the middle of the night?"

"Sorry if I woke you. And I'm your _only_ sister."

"Oh, darn, I knew there was a flaw to my logic." He smiled at Joan, who was smiling back. Kevin just had a way of making people smile. He wheeled over to the couch and moved himself onto it. In a more serious tone, he asked, "How is Adam?"

"You know, the doctors say he's improving, but so far I haven't noticed any change. He's just ... lying there in the hospital bed, looking so vulnerable and weak. I wish there was something more I could do."

Kevin sensed that Joan was having a hard time coping with the uncertainty and the helplessness. He took his sister's hand and squeezed it. "I'm really sorry you have to go through this again. I mean ... two years ago, it was me lying in that bed."

He paused for a moment, realizing Joan's eyes were now on him. "And I know you were there, every day, all of you. But I was so full of anger, and I was so scared that I couldn't see past those feelings. I don't think I ever thanked you for that, for sticking with me and believing in me, even when I was being a complete jerk."

Joan almost blushed and squeezed his hand back that he was still holding. "Oh, Kev, it was all we could do, to be close to you and let you feel we were there when you needed us most. That was the most natural thing in the world. Mom, Dad, Luke, we all felt that way, and _still_ feel that way."

"I know. But sometimes I think you shouldn't just take that for granted. And I want you to know that if you need me, I will be here for you. Any time, you hear me?"

Joan nodded.

Kevin looked at her. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Just sit with me for a while, will you?"

"Sure." He put one arm around Joan's shoulders and drew her closer. She leaned her head on his shoulder and they sat like this until Joan started drifting off and Kevin nudged her to go upstairs and catch some sleep.

--...---...----...--

Almost as a part of her normal daily routine, Joan had gone to Adam's hospital room after school for the past two days. Friedman and Glynis had also stopped by yesterday, as well as her parents and Luke and Grace. Today was the fifth day after Adam had been found in the woods and taken to the hospital. There was no visible change, but the doctors said his lab results looked good and that he was improving every day, even though the changes might not be noticeable to the untrained eye. But they still couldn't say when or even _if_ Adam would wake up.

Even though Joan had a hard time admitting it, she missed Adam. Sure, she had missed him after their break-up, but this was different. This was unlike the time she missed Adam but dreaded running into him at school. Now she wished Adam would be around, she actually _wanted_ him around. She had thought a lot about that in school today, especially in AP Physics, expecting him to be sitting next to her, but only seeing the empty chair out of the corner of her eye.

Back at Adam's bedside, she didn't feel like reading to him today. She unpacked her knitting gear and kept working on the woolen scarf that God had asked her to finish. She worked in silence for a while, but then put down the wool and needles on the bed next to Adam.

She studied his face, his delicate features, and in a low voice said, "Adam, I really miss you. Everyone misses you. Of course Grace doesn't admit it, but I know she does. You know, sometimes it's so hard to stay positive, but it's also too hard to consider the possibility that you might never ... you know ... wake up. I mean ... I was mad at you, but I'm not anymore. And I wish you would just open your eyes and talk to me, make me laugh or even make me cry, anything. I ... I don't know what I would do if I lost you too." She swallowed, there was a big lump building in her throat. "I really think that it's not fair. It's so not--"

Just at that moment, a blond, petite nurse, clad in a pale blue nurse's gown entered the room. She injected something into one of Adam's IVs, then looked at Joan. "Bad day?" she asked when she saw tears on Joan's cheeks and her sad and almost desperate expression.

Joan looked up at the nurse, nodding.

The nurse said, "You know, Joan, life isn't always treating you fairly. You said it yourself, life doesn't always work out the way you expect it to."

Realizing who it was, Joan spat back at the nurse, "The hell it doesn't! How can you do this to me! First Kevin, then Judith, then Rocky. Now Adam! Why can't you do something, why can't you just let Adam wake up and live?"

"You know I won't answer that. Nature has a way of balancing itself. Sometimes you get on the good side, sometimes you don't." The Nurse-God looked at Joan's three-quarters completed scarf. "Finish the scarf, Joan."

Joan shrugged her shoulders in resignation. "Fine," she replied without enthusiasm, took up the scarf again and started knitting as Nurse-God left the room.

--...---...----...--


	7. Chapter 7

The weekend had passed without much excitement or news. Joan had been at the hospital on and off, going home really only to eat and sleep. She was doing almost all her homework in the hospital now, sometimes reading it out loud, so she could give herself the feeling Adam wasn't missing too much school stuff. But who was she kidding, as if Adam was able to comprehend any of it, let alone remember it for upcoming exams. Grace and Luke had come by on Saturday afternoon and they had studied physics together in Adam's hospital room, spreading notes and books all over his bed. The nurses had given them disapproving looks, but had not said anything.

Sometimes Mr. Rove would stay in the hospital together with Joan. There usually wasn't a lot of conversation going on between them, but Mr. Rove sometimes talked about how Adam had been as a kid, how much Adam could get lost in his art and that he was really glad that his son had such a good friend in Joan. She wasn't sure how much Adam had told his father about their recent break-up, but to her that almost didn't matter now anymore.

It was now Sunday, late in the afternoon and Joan was sitting in her room, putting the last finishing touches to her woolen scarf. She had chosen subdued earth colors, mostly browns, greens and yellows. When she had knitted the last stitch and had sewn up all the loose ends, she looked at the end result of all her hard needle work. Not a masterpiece, but it was her own creation, and it was unique. No one would ever have the same scarf, and it was all her doing. Somehow she felt a bit proud of her accomplishment.

Just as she was taking the scarf off from around her neck to see what it looked like when it was being worn, her cell phone rang. The display showed "private number", so she answered with an inquiring, "Hello?"

"Mr. Rove?" She listened intently for half a minute. -- "What? That is _so_ great! Can I come and see him?" -- "I'll be there in ten minutes!"

With a huge smile plastered on her face, she stormed down the stairs. Kevin was the first person she stumbled across, sitting at the kitchen table, reading in a book. Joan shouted, "Kevin, Mr. Rove called, Adam's woken up!"

Kevin turned his wheelchair around, so he was facing Joan. She almost jumped into his lap, kissing him on the forehead. "Adam's awake!" She jumped up again. "I need to go see him! Where's Mom and Dad?"

"Mom's gone out to meet with Lilly and Dad's meeting some colleagues in the bar, remember?"

Joan's face fell. "Shoot! Who's gonna drive me now?"

Kevin bowed his head and gave Joan a glance from underneath as if he was looking over the rim of imaginary reading glasses. "Aren't we forgetting someone, hm? Moi?" He pointed to himself.

"Of course, I'm sorry! I just keep forgetting that you have a driving license _and_ a car now! Sorry, Kev."

"Don't worry about it, you have every right to be confused right now." He smiled at her. "Come on, let's go."

They both grabbed a jacket, Joan wrote a quick note for the rest of the family, letting them know what had happened and where they were and then they both headed to the hospital.

Joan had to keep herself from running along the hospital corridors. In the car, she had called Grace, who in turn had told Luke, who was with her. They would both come to the hospital too. In front of Adam's room, she was greeted by Mr. Rove, who was, for the first time she had seen him since Adam's accident, smiling.

He told them, "The doctor's with him now, but he's gonna be okay. He's been asking for you," Mr. Rove said to Joan. They waited a few minutes for the doctor to come out, all of which Joan fidgeted with the hem of her sweater. When a doctor Joan didn't know came out of the room, the three of them went towards him. The doctor briefly informed them that the neurological exam showed no sign of neurological damage or impairment and that motor functions were also normal. Adam should not have too much excitement, but that there was no need for concern, he just needed to take things slow. He would have to stay in the hospital for further tests and observation for a few more days, how long exactly would have to be seen, depending on Adam's progress.

After the doctor had said it would be okay for Joan to go in, she slowly opened the door. She felt a bit insecure and afraid of what would be awaiting her. She had gone through so many emotional ups and downs in that time when Adam was unconscious. She had played the scene in her head when Adam would wake up so many times, that she now was scared it would be different from the happy moment she had imagined it would be. But there was no way of avoiding the actual real moment any longer, so she opened the door fully and went in.

The upper part of the bed was raised, so that Adam was almost in a sitting position. When he recognized Joan, he smiled weakly. She went up to him. All she wanted to do was to storm to his side and hug him close, but she feared he was so fragile that she would hurt him. So she took his hand and kissed him on the forehead where some nasty scrapes were still clearly visible. Quietly, she whispered, "Adam," but tears started to fall from her eyes, tears of joy and release and relief. She sat down in the chair that was ever present next to his bed, just looking at him, as if she couldn't believe he was actually awake.

She felt his hand on her cheeks, catching some of the tears. "Jane," he hoarsely said. "Hey, it's okay, don't cry. I'm okay."

She smiled through the tears, "Yeah. You're okay. I was so scared. But you're back. You're back." She now laughed, wiping away the tears by herself. Adam also smiled. It felt so good to see him smile, move, talk. There was so much she wanted to tell him, so much she wanted him to know, but she couldn't find the words to say all these things right now. Her expression suddenly clouded over just a little with concern. "Are you in any pain? Does the wrist hurt?" She gestured at his cast.

He frowned a little. "Naw, I think they drugged me up pretty good. I'm fine." He looked at his cast and lifted his right arm a little. "This'll keep me from doing any artwork any time soon, though."

Joan had been thinking about that herself sometimes when she had been with Adam in the hospital. "Yeah. But don't worry, I can help. I can be a pretty good manservant for the right price, you know."

Just then the door opened and Grace and Luke poked their heads in. "Can we come in?"

Joan waved them in. "Yeah, sure."

Grace was the first to enter. She plopped down in the chair opposite Joan, looked at Adam and said, "So, you're okay."

Adam nodded. "Yeah."

"That's good. But, dude, don't _ever_ do something like that again, you hear me?"

Adam couldn't help but smile at that. "I'm not planning on it."

Joan added, "Adam, don't buy her tough exterior, she was just as worried and scared as we all were."

Grace shot Joan an accusing look, which Joan didn't buy for one second. "Don't you scratch my facade, Girardi."

Joan lifted her arms. "Okay, okay."

Luke was standing at the foot of Adam's bed, now adding, "I second that. I mean, the don't-do-that-again thing. I'm glad you're okay, you had us all shaken up pretty bad."

Before they could engage in any more conversation, the petite blond nurse came in. "Sorry to break up the party, but Mr. Rove here needs some rest."

Grace and Luke quickly said goodbye to Adam. Joan got up and kissed him carefully on the forehead again, promising she would be back the first thing the next morning. Adam looked tired and worn-out, but was still smiling slightly. He gave them a little wave as they left the room. When Joan passed the nurse, she whispered an almost inaudible "Thank you" to her. The nurse just winked one eye and went past Joan to check Adam's chart.

--...---...----...--


	8. Chapter 8

As Joan had promised, the next morning before school, she quickly went to see Adam. It was only a brief visit, not much more than hello and goodbye. Joan would be back in the afternoon after school.

Lessons dragged on endlessly, each one feeling like an eternity to Joan. She thought about skipping English, her last lesson for the day, but then thought of having to justify that to her parents afterwards, so she bit her lip and endured 45 more minutes of boring poem interpretations. After school, she rushed to the locker and then off again to the hospital.

When she got to Adam's room, he was sleeping. For a split second, she thought he might be unconscious again, but he moved his arm and head a little when she sat down in the chair next to him. Not wanting to wake him up, she took the 'Neverending Story' that was still lying on Adam's bedside table and opened it. From the new dog ear she could see that had someone else had obviously continued reading in her absence, maybe Adam himself, since the dog ear wasn't on the same page she had last read to Adam. However, she managed to find the spot where she had stopped and continued reading silently.

After about half an hour, she felt Adam stirring next to her. When he saw Joan, he said her name.

"Hey, look, someone's awake." She smiled at him.

He wanted to rub his eyes, but his fingers accidentally touched one of the scrapes and he winced. "I saw myself in the mirror for the first time today," he said. "Pretty messed up, huh?"

"Well, not my first choice for a make-over, but the scars will give you a feral edge."

"Ha ha, very funny."

"Don't worry about it, Adam. It's just a few scrapes, they'll heal."

"I guess."

Joan was still holding the novel in her lap, so she closed it and put it back on the bedside table. Adam took it from there and leafed through the pages that were printed in two colors, alternating in dark green and dark red, depending on which part of the story was told. "Did you bring this?"

Joan nodded. "Yeah. I started reading it to you. Well, to me as much as to you, because I really enjoyed it."

"Why don't you finish it then?" He extended the book to her.

"No, Adam, it's yours. You should finish it first."

Adam sensed that Joan would be offended if he insisted that she finish it first, so he put it away on the bedside table again. "You can borrow it after I'm done if you want."

"Yes, that would be great. Hey, listen, do you want me to get you any school stuff? My notes or something? I mean, sheesh, I'm the last person to be telling anyone to study, but I figure that you have to start catching up eventually, right?"

He sighed. "Sadly, yes, I think I'll have to. If you could get me your notes and homework and maybe some textbooks."

"Sure. I'll also ask Grace and the others for stuff from classes we don't share." She suddenly remembered his arts class. "Do you want me to get you a sketch pad and a pencil or anything like that?"

"I don't think I can draw anything with the cast on, really."

"Right. But if you wanna give it a try, let me know, okay? And if there's anything else you need or want..."

"Thanks, but I think I'm good for now. Dad's already getting me some things from home."

"Then it sounds like--" At that moment her cell phone rang. "Darn, I thought I had switched that off." She answered it and had a brief conversation that finished with "Okay, I'm on my way." Turning to Adam, she said, "Sorry, but I gotta go. My mom's making this big deal about how we haven't had a decent family dinner together and they wanna go out for dinner tonight, and there's still some stuff I gotta do at home. Will you be okay?"

"Yes, sure."

Joan didn't think he sounded convincing, but she knew that if she stayed, her mother would throw a minor tantrum. "I'll bring some notes from school next time, so you better get those brain cells in gear."

"Don't remind me," he half groaned before they said goodbye and Joan left his room. When she was gone, Adam took the 'Neverending Story' up again and continued reading, his mind delving into the world of Fantastica and its magical creatures.

--...---...----...--

Joan rang the doorbell to Adam's house. They had released Adam from the hospital after another week, it was now Thursday, one and a half weeks after he had gone home. Joan had still visited him in the hospital every day, they had talked about school mostly, things that went on in the Girardi family. Luke, Grace, Glynis and Friedman had come by, Helen and Will as well, so Adam was seldom bored in the afternoons.

Joan could hear the ring of the doorbell reverberating through the hallway. Then a familiar face opened the front door: Mr. Rove. "Joan, how good to see you. You haven't been by in a couple of days."

It was true, Joan had only been to Adam's house twice after he had been released into his father's care. Mostly because both times it had been uncomfortable. She had brought him school notes and they had mostly talked about that and some of the things Adam had missed during his absence from classes, both holding back on all those things that were still left unsaid. The other days Grace had brought him their notes and told Joan Adam was doing fine.

The truth was, in the hospital Joan had felt Adam needed protection and comfort and entertainment. All that had somehow kept them talking about any of the more intimate issued that still hung unsaid between them. And now that Adam was home and back in familiar surroundings, Joan feared that if she stayed too long or too often, they would eventually broach those subjects she was trying so hard to avoid.

"Yeah, sorry, I've had a lot going on at home," Joan lied to Mr. Rove.

He nodded towards the shed next to their house. "Adam's in the shed."

"Okay, thanks," Joan replied and turned towards the small building that Adam spent a lot of his time in, working on arts projects and sometimes just to be by himself.

Joan knocked before she entered. She heard Adam say, "Come in."

She opened the door and entered. Adam was standing behind his work bench, sorting through some of his artwork. Joan greeted him, "Hey."

Adam greeted her back, "Hey."

Joan went over to him and handed him some notes and folders from her bag. "These are my and Grace's notes from the past couple of days."

He took them, "Thanks."

Joan roamed her bag again. "Oh, and this is from my mom." She gave Adam a book with the title 'Expressionism'. "She said you should concentrate on the part about Klee and Kandinsky and the 'Green Rider', that's what's they've been doing in arts class for the past two weeks."

"'Blue Rider.'"

"What?" Joan asked, confused.

"It's called 'Blue Rider', not 'Green Rider'."

"Oh. Sorry." She looked at the art pieces that were arranged in front of Adam on the work bench. "What are you doing?"

He looked down as well, moving some of the items around. "I was just sorting through some stuff. I tried drawing some things, but," he lifted his right arm with the cast, "it didn't really work. I thought I could finish some older projects, but I guess I just need to wait until the cast comes off."

Joan sensed that Adam was having a hard time, not being able to work on his art. "Anything I can help you with?"

He looked at her, his eyes conveying gratitude for the offer. "Thanks, but that's not the same."

She smiled and lifted her hands, "I'm all thumbs anyway."

Joan suddenly remembered something else she wanted to give Adam. From her bag she pulled the self-made woolen scarf. She went over to Adam and put it around his neck.

"I want you to have this." She took the lower ends of the scarf and pulled at them loosely, just enough for the material to stretch. "I knitted most of it in your room in the hospital. And, just after I finished it, your dad called to tell me you had woken up. I ... I just feel you might need it more that me. You know, so you don't freeze, in case you ever get lost again."

Joan had let go of the scarf and taken a step back. Adam now touched the woolen material himself. "Thanks," he said quietly. "It's beautiful - and unique." He looked at Joan. "Like you."

Joan looked down, trying to avoid his gaze. She half turned towards the door. "I should go, I have gymnastics practice."

When Adam looked at her funny, she said, "Uh... Long story. Don't ask."

"Okay," Adam just replied. "I'll see you around, I guess."

"Yeah," Joan said and left the shed to head for the gymnasium. She let out her breath when she closed the door behind her. Another meeting with Adam where she had just managed to avoid personal issues. Somehow she felt like a coward.

--...---...----...--


	9. Chapter 9 End

It was Monday, Adam's first day back at school, two weeks after he had been discharged from the hospital and cleared to be fit for duty. Or school, in this case. There were still a few scrapes on his face that were healing in their own time. His right hand, where he had broken his wrist, was also still in the cast. And it would be for another week at least. Until then he had to rely on his friends and co-students to take notes during class for him.

Luke, Grace, Friedman, Glynis and Joan had trailed him throughout the day wherever possible, he had felt like a weak little duckling, being watched over by a whole flock of mother ducks. But the truth was, he was glad that he had such good friends that cared and worried about him. And even though he didn't like to admit it, the few hours of classes today had tired him out pretty good.

School was now over, the bell had just rung. After checking his locker, he had taken his bag and gone outside. Joan was not in sight. Friedman, Glynis, Luke and Grace had gone home, their classes had ended earlier. In half an hour, Joan and him were to meet with Luke and Grace to study for AP Physics. So, where was Joan? It was a warm and sunny day, so Adam sat down on the lawn in front of the school, waiting for her to come out of the building.

He didn't have to wait long, five minutes later she came hurrying out. She saw him sitting on the lawn and went up to him. "Sorry, Mr. Hershey imposed this," her voice took on a sarcastic tone, "_really _interesting talk upon me about how the French revolution related current events in national history and ... oh, you don't wanna hear about that." For the first time since she had gone babbling on about her history teacher, she looked at Adam's face and saw the tiredness in his features. She had been meaning to rouse him to join their physics study group, but decided to cut Adam some slack, so she sat down next to him.

Her face in a slight frown, she said, "You look tired. You okay?"

He waved it off. "Yeah, it's nothing. I just ... I guess I have to get used again to running around again the whole day."

They sat in silence for a few seconds. Joan's gaze was directed at the cast on Adam's right arm. "Does it hurt?" she asked, pointing her hand in the direction of his right arm.

He looked at it himself. "Naw, not really. It'll come off next week, I hope."

Joan nodded. "That's good." Then she drew in a breath and said, "Adam, can I ask you something?"

Adam looked at Joan, a questioning expression on his face. "Sure."

"When you were ... you know ... unconscious, do you remember anything? Could you feel or see or hear anything?" Joan looked away, as if a little embarrassed to ask such a personal question.

Adam absentmindedly plucked a leaf of grass from the lawn with his left hand and rolled it between his fingers. "I ... I don't know. After I fell down that slope, I remember feeling pain. I think I must have drifted in and out, and eventually I blacked out. I don't think I felt anything after that for a long time."

Adam paused. Joan had studied Adam, frowning as his words formed, but now she looked away at her hands. "It's just ... I talked to you so much in the hospital, sometimes for hours on end. I just wanted to know if any of that reached you."

Adam didn't know what to say. His brow furrowed. "Towards the end, probably the day or a few hours before I woke up, it was like ... like when you wake up in the morning, those few seconds before you're fully awake and still halfway between sleep and wakefulness. It felt kinda like that."

Adam now looked at Joan and she could see he was searching for a way to express what he wanted to say. "You know, like you're underwater with your eyes open. You can sense things, you hear things but they don't make sense, don't form coherent words. You wanna say something, but you can't, you can only listen, and even then you can't tell where you are and what's happening. It's like you want to swim to the surface but don't know which way is up or down.

"You know, maybe this is all in my head, or maybe it was real, but that day I woke up, I knew you were there. It was like in the movies, I was in a place where I was torn between fighting to come back or to just let go. And I kinda sensed you through the haze, like you were showing me a light that I should swim towards, so you could pull me up to the surface." He paused. "That just sounds so phony," Adam added, almost embarrassed.

Joan looked at him, tears forming in her eyes. "No, Adam, it's not phony, it's beautiful. And I'm glad you swam towards the light." She wiped at the tears that now fell down her cheeks.

"So am I, Jane," Adam said, looking at her. "You know, you now saved my life twice. I ... don't know how I can ever repay that. And ..." His eyes took on a sad and genuinely sorry expression. "I know I already told you I was sorry about what I did with Bonnie. I mean, I _am_ sorry, I wish _so_ much it had never happened. I ... I don't know what I was thinking then. And afterwards, all I could think about was you and how much I had just hurt you, even though you didn't even know that yet then."

Joan wasn't sure what to say, or even if should be saying anything. She opened her mouth, but Adam cut off anything she would have said by going on.

"I was so ashamed of myself. I hated myself so much." Thinking back on that terrible afternoon when Joan had found out that he had slept with Bonnie, his eyes filled with tears. "You know, as much as it hurt me then, I think you were right to break up with me after the mock trial. All wanted then was for you to forgive me and tell me it was all right. But now I understand that you couldn't."

Tears were now rolling down Adam's cheeks and he made no attempt at wiping them away. Joan just couldn't stand seeing Adam so vulnerable and hurt, so she carefully put her arm around his shoulders and drew him towards her. He gave in to her gentle prodding and laid his head in her lap. Joan softly wiped his tears away with her thumb, careful not to touch any of the cuts and scrapes and stroked his soft hair that was curling ever so slightly in her lap. In a low voice she told him, "I know, Adam. A part of me wanted to forgive you right away, but the part of me that was hurt and heartbroken took over."

She briefly paused, thinking it was now her turn to apologize. "Do you remember back in the bookshop, when you told me that you got fired?"

He looked up at her from her lap, whispering, "Yeah."

"Look, I kinda meant what I said, and then again I didn't mean it at the same time. You hurt me, Adam, and I wanted you to feel that same hurt. I know it's twisted, but for a split second I felt good about it. But the truth is, I was sorry immediately afterwards. And when I heard you had gone missing in the woods, I felt so guilty. I was really scared. I thought..." She paused, not knowing how to say it. "You know..." She let the words trail off.

Adam looked up at her, surprised and almost shocked. "What? No, no. No. I could never do that to you." Then he looked away from Joan's face. "I'm sorry, Jane. I didn't mean to drag you through a whole other mess, you know."

"I know. I'm just glad that you're okay." She stopped touching his hair. "Adam, there are times where I wanna go back to how things were before ... you know ... the Bonnie thing. But I'm not sure I can do that just yet. I think for now all I can do is to be friends. I know what I said to you in the bookshop, but it takes too much energy to pretend that we're not connected anymore. It's like the scarf. It's all one piece of yarn. If you cut it up into little pieces, it's useless, you can't make anything out of it. We still _are_ connected, Adam, just in a different way."

Adam looked at Joan. "That's the hard part."

"And the good part," Joan added.

"Yeah," he said, almost whispering. He propped himself up and got to his feet. He extended his left hand, the one without the cast to her to help her up. "Let's go, Luke and Grace are waiting for us."

Joan took his proffered hand and he pulled her up. But when she was standing upright, he didn't immediately let go of her hand, instead he drew Joan closer and said, "Before we go, let me do this." With that he hugged her close.

Joan didn't know how to react. It felt so good to be close to Adam, but something inside her still rejected such intimate physical contact with him. She gave him a little squeeze back, but not too much for fear that might give him the wrong idea. He released her as suddenly as he had hugged her and said, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For visiting me every day. For being there. For saving my life."

"Adam, you know I would do it again in a heartbeat. And I know you would do the same for me."

Adam simply replied, "Yeah, I would."

Before the situation could get more uncomfortable, Joan nodded towards the way to the street. "Come on, before Grace gets upset and irritable."

Adam smiled, "Isn't she always upset and irritable?"

Joan gave him a good-natured elbow-nudge in the ribs. "Hey, show a little respect for your friends!"

Adam lifted his arms in mock resignation. "Okay, okay."

Joan smiled as well. It was really the first time she was feeling comfortable being around Adam again. And it felt good.

She saw the bus approaching the bus stop and grabbed Adam's hand. "Come on!"

They both darted off towards the bus stop, just barely jumping into the bus before the doors closed behind them.

THE END.


End file.
